Why I Am Against Driverless Cars

I wasn’t able to say anything until today because of what happened, but now I can finally talk about my adventure in a driverless car a couple of weeks ago.  You may have seen it on the news, but they didn’t tell the real story.  I was in the back seat of that Uber driverless car that crashed in Tucson.   While nobody was hurt, the real story is much worse than reported and I have been advised to tell my story today because people should know.
uber-self-driving-car-accident-arizona
The day started out like a usual day.  I was at Costco.   It was a little early in the day for the usual sample-fest, but I was there to return some stuff.  Ever have a sample of that flavored hummus and then wind up going home with 3 gallons of it?  Note, Costco hummus is not as good as it seems in the store.
So I was in line retuning hummus.  If you think that’s bad, at the return register next to me was some guy trying to return a bag of shrimp.   I heard the cashier say, “I’m going to have to get a supervisor.” and walk away for a minute.  While my cashier was placing my hummus on a shelf behind her next to some more hummus and some 3lb. bags of kale that someone else returned, I took a look at this guy’s shrimp package, which looked like he bought it years ago.   The tag looked old, everything seemed worn.   I snuck a picture.:
ShrimpBagWhat happened next was utterly shocking and disgusting.  As you might be able to tell, the bag was in fact several years old.   It turns out the guy bought the shrimp from Costco 14 years ago and he said it was frozen for “most of that time.”   The supervisor frowned and opened the bag.   The stench was so overwhelming she passed out and actually, all of us in the area started hitting the floor.  For me, the stench was horrific but the shrimp appeared to also be moving which was even more terrifying.
Well, to make a long story short, several people were taken away in ambulances.  I never actually lost consciousness, but I thought I should get checked out anyway, and since I was feeling woozy, I decided I’d use my UBER app.   I had a coupon for a free ride, and except for the nausea, I was excited about this since it was my first ever UBER ride.  I even took a picture of my UBER driver when he arrived.   He was an interesting character to say the least:
UberDriver. 2So, he let me into his car, which I didn’t even notice at the time looked different.  It was a Volvo, so something odd in the design didn’t seem strange to me, I just got in the back.
Now the back seat was VERY interesting.  All designed for my comfort.   Leather, music, snacks, plus a pillow and blanket.  Some kind of weird computer interface or something with no buttons, but what looks like a big red eye and a microphone/speaker on it.  I was still feeling sick, so I put my head back and the whole seat reclined.  Minutes into the drive I fell asleep.   (I was not only sick, but I’ve been up too late recently binging on old episodes of The Bob Newhart Show.)
Unfortunately, I slept for 2 hours before I was awakened by bright light and a humid and heavy stench.  I looked, and realized immediately, if wasn’t more Costco shrimp, I was in El Centro!   I grabbed my cell phone only to discover that not only did I have no reception, but the car, as if it saw what I was doing, announced to me “Mobile devices are disabled for this UBER Vehicle in order to stimulate conversation or meditation.”   WHAT?   Conversation with who?  The driver was asleep and unwakable in the front seat and then I realized it was one of those driverless cars.  And I’m being kidnapped by it!  The doors wouldn’t open, neither would the windows.  A Muzak version of Mr. Roboto was on repeat too, fittingly enough.
5 hours later, 2 hours after I stopped screaming and trying to get the attention of other drivers and being lectured by creepy computer system about relaxation, we reached Tucson.  By now, the driver was fully awake but in a heavy sweat trying to regain control of the car.   Fortunately, we had slowed and moved into city traffic, when suddenly, we’re hit by someone we turned in front of, the car flipped and finally stopped (picture is above.)
I was wisked out of the car quickly by some uniformed UBER security who arrived before the police.  I don’t know what happened to the driver.   I had a feeling that the UBER people had caused the crash on purpose just to stop us.  In some empty office across the street, I was ordered to sign a secrecy agreement and settlement plan, which is why I’ve remained quiet.   But my attorney advised me that I need to go public with the story for the sake of everyone else, and I agree.
This technology and driverless cars is no good, it’s out of control.   And to tell the truth, I think there’s something a lot more nefarious about the whole thing, just more of the elite taking more control away from the regular people.  I say no to driverless cars, I want to drive myself thank you!
Whatever you do, don’t get in one.  Since I didn’t notice it was a driverless car until I got in (it did have a “driver” but he was just some sort of test pilot or technician or something),  I did notice where the computer system hub is that talks to you and lectures you about things.  There is some kind rectangular interface that is only about 5 inches long by 2 inches, and it’s on a panel in front of each seat, with a larger one on the dashboard.  When the car crashed, my phone was re-enabled and I was able to take a good close up picture of it before being dragged out of the car.  Here it is:
Hal9000 2If you see this device, don’t trust it.  Get out!
That is all, I just thought you needed to know.  If there are more developments, I’ll let you know those too.  For now, drive your own car, and throw away old shrimp!
SCF
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